What 40 years of listening taught me about living

Four confessions of dying people as related by a hospice nurse of 20 years

1.            'I regret not following my heart and finding my true purpose.'

2.            'I regret not having the courage to love others fully.'

3.            'I regret not having the courage to let others love me fully.'

4.            'I regret that I judged myself so much and didn't love myself more.'

This fifth one I added:

5.         “I regret having gone on my deathbed finding out only too late that all along I had been living someone else’s life.”

All 4 regrets focus on choices made based on external forces which result in regret #5 which I have heard repeatedly in my clinical practice from terminally ill patients as I sat at the foot of their bed.  The hospice nurse stated that her most common theme were regrets over broken ties with family over petty arguments and jealousies.  She said “I was struck by this regret because I heard it from such a diverse array of people, from all religions and cultures.  Due to the hurt and pain we experience in life, it's very common to build walls around our hearts in an effort to protect them.  This can be healthy in the short-term, but when we continuously put up those walls and never take them down, we end up building a fortress. No love gets in, and no love gets out. We may think this practice keeps us safe, but we're actually in a prison of our own making.  When people reach the end of life, they regret that prison they built and wish they had shown more courage to open their heart and let others in.”

That quote speaks to the emotional and psychological weight that many people feel at the end of their lives — the realization that they may have held back from truly living, connecting, or being vulnerable. The "prison" refers to the walls we build around ourselves to protect from hurt or rejection, but at the end of life, many reflect on how those walls prevented them from experiencing deeper relationships and moments of true connection.  Life is unpredictable.  We never know when that moment of transition is OUR moment.

Courage. Courage.  Love like you have never been hurt!  Not something you will confess regretting on your deathbed!   Loving like you've never been hurt is about choosing to open your heart fully, without letting past pain hold you back. It's a mindset that encourages living with openness, kindness, and trust, even in the face of vulnerability. It can be really freeing to let go of the fear of being hurt and instead embrace the possibility of deep, meaningful connections.   Find your strength in embracing it.

I suggest to my clients that in the stage in life that we are at in any moment in life, we do the best we can.  I completely and fully resonate with that perspective. At any given moment, we're doing the best we can with the knowledge, experiences, and resources available to us at that time. Life constantly changes, and so do we, so it's important to show ourselves compassion and understanding for the choices we've made along the way.  And to show compassion and understanding for the choices others make toward us along the way.  Give each other grace and walk in the moccasins of the other person as the Native Americans say.   Growth happens, sometimes slowly, and sometimes in unexpected ways, but the best we can do is to be present and keep trying to move forward with an open heart. However, as things change we begin to see our choices in more forgiving light.  

My personal strength is forgiveness and absence of stubbornness and that is what has kept our marriage of five decades well balanced. My partner and I are not stubborn.  Rather we are full of grace toward one another.  Stubbornness is the cancer to relationships.  It metastasizes throughout an entire system. When we're too rigid, unwilling to compromise, or too proud to listen, it can create a ripple effect that impacts everything around us—communication, trust, and emotional connection. It’s like a block that, if left unchecked, can make even small issues grow into larger, more painful ones.

It’s hard to let go of that stubbornness sometimes, though, especially when we feel deeply attached to our own perspective or when we're protecting ourselves.  It is okay.  Be vulnerable.  Take the risk.  Jump in.  Try it again.  This time around it may be even stronger, more grounded and more loving.   Not saying it is easy.  I am saying it is possible.  It takes time and consious effort to shift that stubborn mindset. 

If you were to close your eyes tonight for the last time, whose life would you have been living?